Day Eight and Nine: Fun? Torture. (August 21st and 22nd)

I decided that I was not going to be pitiful and feeling sorry for myself anymore. So what is there left to do other than actually shower, put on some makeup with the intention of not crying it all off, throw on a cute outfit and hang out with some of my friends. Because alcohol has ruined my life, I wasn't too quick to do become the typical cliche' and go out, getting drunk with my girlfriends, complaining all night long. I knew that was not going to help. But sit at my Mother's for another weekend was out of the question. I figured I should at least try to not be miserable. It's worth a shot, right?

I had a few beers, had a few shots and went to a few bars. It was completely exhausting to try and appear to be okay and have fun. I am very fortunate to have friends who care about me and want to try and help me move on. But I don't really want to be around anyone. I just want to lay in my bed and cry. I am tortured with the concept that this will never go away. I have had my heart broken and its been 9 years. I have never really gotten over it. I no longer love that man but my heart never worked the same afterwards.

I have never loved anyone more than I love this man. It's so frightening to think that it will never go away. I know that is just something I am feeling now and that it will get better. But I just don't see that happening. How can I still care about a man who has done all this to me and hurt me so bad? Who has betrayed me in every sense of the word? There has got to be something wrong with me because it doesn't make any sense. Why would I even be willing to give him another chance and why do I even care that he didn't decide to take it? WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE? What the shit is wrong with me?

This is torture. I did not eat all day, drank an ocean, and now I am left with my body experiencing death by hangover and my heart death by mother fucking love. Each on their own a bad hand. But together, it's downright cruel. I don't think I will be going out anymore or even try to have fun. I just need to stop forcing things and take it moment by moment. There is no fixing this. I know I just have to endure it and just go through it. But man I wish there was a shortcut.

I wish I could stay here and be miserable without him in the same house. The sound of him packing up boxes of our life is tormenting and to see him is hell. I feel so pathetic admitting that I know these are the last 48 hours of him in this house and I don't want to miss a minute of him being here. But then I remember that is just downright dumb. He isn't mine anymore and I have to get that in my head.

I cannot wait for the day when I actually want another man to touch me. To feel relief that I do not have to put up with his shit. When I am fun again. When I am back to my old self. When I am not concerned or angry. Or when I hear about him being at a bar Friday, Saturday and now Sunday, "not drinking," I don't give a shit or have any emotions about it. Or even have any emotions related to him at all. To be completely rid of all of him in my heart, head and soul.

I constantly feel like I am dying. The only thing that reminds me I am alive is the excruciating pain of heartache and the warmth of my tears. I just want to be over him.