As soon as I woke up, I knew I made the wrong decision. I should have never gave into my emotions. I just proved I was the weakest link. A woman willing to give a second thought and share her bed with the man that hurt her, cheated on her, lied to her, always put others before her, and treated her like she was nothing. That was me? No, he was going to change this time and get serious about his sobriety and follow through with the plan I laid out for him. Why wouldn't he? He said he will do anything and that he is not going to lose me. He was going to follow through, he has to.
All day I had a nagging feeling of regret about what I had done last night. The shame behind it all. The wavering in my resolve. My complete elation and relief at our love making, the pleasure I felt for the first time in I don't even know how long. I could not let anyone know about this. What would they think? They would think of me the same way I did: how could such a smart girl be so stupid? There is only one answer: Love. Mother fucking love.
I have been telling him a simple rule to live by that I should have been shouting to myself: If you are doing things you cannot share or do in front of your loved ones, you should not be doing it at all. Clearly, I was being a hypocrite and not practicing what I preach. Because even when I was doing it, I knew it was wrong. But I did it anyway. Like I said, mother fucking love.
Just to provide some background, on day one, he made plans to move into a friend's house that he parties with. After he spoke with me and let me know about his desire to get sober, how determined he was, I said moving in with his friend was a very bad idea. He explained his friend wants to slow down on the partying, make this a positive experience and be supportive. Anyone in the recovery would tell you that is a bad idea, that moving in with someone you used to party with, who is not sober, is the worst thing you can do. My ex had already promised him money for the 1st but I explained that if he told him that he is doing what is best for his sobriety and to try and find someone else to move in, if he was his friend, he woudl completely understand.
I told my ex that I COULD NOT be a part of this decision for many reasons. The main reason being that in this environment, all I would have to go on is his word. Whereas in a sober living house, his ability to live there is contingent upon him being sober and being serious about the program. In the sober living house, they incorporate the partners into their recovery and make you an integral part of the process. You have professional help and the support of others. In his friends house, he has none of that. Not to mention, he could go on lying, having other women, saying he is sober, saying he isn't drinking and so forth. His word means nothing so this was not a choice I felt comfortable investing my heart in and being a part of. He knew that if he chose this, I would be gone for good. Sober or not.
So he came home, asked to speak to me and I knew right then and there, he made his mind up and decided to move in with his friend. How did I let him do this to me AGAIN? He gave me false hope and more lies. If he was willing to do anything to not lose me why would he make the choice that means he would lose me? Why wouldn't he? Because he says he isn't comfortable going into the sober living environment. He would rather lose me and suffer the loneliness of losing me than be uncomfortable. My mom said that he clearly isn't ready to get sober and he thinks that I will soften up and change my mind. Why wouldn't he think that? I always have taken him back and that is the pattern I have created. But NOT THIS TIME.
He has crushed me for the last time. I gave him the choice of having my support everyday, playing a very active role in his recovery, helping him through this very difficult time and the chance of a real future together. I even said he could keep his stuff in his room, I could get a sublet and we could revisit our living situation in 60 or 90 days after living in the facility. EVERYONE WINS. I do not have a job, I do not have a roommate anymore so I could have his prorated rent until I find a roommate and the sober living place said they would hold him a bed until we had things squared away and he was ready to move in. I even set up an appointment to tour the facility and meet the people that Saturday. I could not have made it any easier to pick this choice.
But he didn't. He didn't even see the place. All I knew is that my heart, my love, my plan was not one he wanted to participate in. He said he didn't want to go back on his word to his friend about the money. He said he could not just jump into the sober living home. WHATEVER. He gave me hope, I gave him yet ANOTHER CHANCE and he shoved it back in my face.
Clearly, he does not want to change. He is not willing to do whatever it takes to not lose me. He is not willing to go to any length for his sobriety. I am DONE having hope. I went to bed, cried until 3 am, woke up in the morning, packed a bag, and left. He has crushed me again. I will not ever give him the benefit of the doubt to do this to me again.
No comments:
Post a Comment