I ended up having to leave my house last night and head to my Mom's house at midnight. He insisted on speaking to me and I somehow throught that was a good idea even though I knew better. I guess because I know he is leaving, I know I will no longer spend time with him. I suppose I just want the chance to look at his face and feel his presence. Even if it pains me. I swear I am a masochist because I have been willingly putting myself in positions that I know will cause me pain and I do it anyway. I put my hand in the fire, knowing its going to burn me and I do it over and over again. The pain, our twisted communication and this heartache, is the only thing I have left that connects me to him. And I know I have to let go, I know he is moving out tomorrow so I guess I just want to get all I can before I really let him go forever and close the door on this relationship. It is all so pathetic and fucked up.
So he kept fucking with me, telling me that I am the one who made it this way. That my stubbornness is the cause of us being broken up. That my unwillingness to budge on the sober living house is causing us to be over. He makes me feel like I am crazy. First he made me question my sanity when I KNEW something was wrong, that he wasn't being trustworthy, faithful and true, he would tell me I am tripping. And now this he is trying to turn this on me, taking my love and kindness for weakness as if I was going to cave. NOT THIS TIME.
He didn't even deserve the benefit of the doubt or another chance to be with me IN ANY capacity. But I gave him another chance, another option, he didn't take it and now it is somehow my fault. I could not hear it anymore. So I left.
But he continued to contact me this morning. Texting me about wanting to have a heart to heart with me tonight. About how he feels ashamed for what he did to me. And so on. It was at that point I had to use my brain and tell my heart to shut up. I let him know to never contact me again or I will get a restraining order. I cannot speak or communicate with him in any way: positive or negative. It is too hard and it still gives me hope. I was still asking him to go to the sober living house last night, hoping he would change his mind. But he never does anything on anyone else's terms but his own.
I have fought for him from the beginning, through the middle and right down to the end before the moving truck rolls up to my door tomorrow morning. Because this love has infected me, made me sick and it has consumed my soul. But at the end of the day, love should not require a fight. And if there ever is an issue, I want a man that is going to fight for me. One that knows what he has and will NOT let it go so easily. Clearly, he is not that man. And I am no longer the woman who will stand and fight tooth and nail for a man who could care less or not have have the smarts or drive to fight for me. I just want it to be over.
this worked for me and I am 44 yrs old and was "lovesick" like a baby. This jerk had lied to me, lead me to believe he was ready to be with me, run around on me, you name it. I wrote a script after the 1st month of crying and of course I did not believe the true words that I had just typed and knew were true but over time and is continuing act I began to realize this jerk was the most selfish person alive and he cared about himself he just needed me when he had nothing else going on. Now I am playing him and I can tell he is getting desperate. All of a sudden he starts calling, being kind, every other word is a "I love you" Look, love does not hurt, love is not betrayal, love is not lies, love is not hot and cold. Get rid of the jerk once and for all
ReplyDeleteLinda,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your insight. I am a few days behind, but rest assured- I am done. I will catch up and you will see. But it is so hard to not believe the person when you want to. But you are right: Love is not lies and it should never hurt this bad. It really is that simple. Thank you.