My anger has bled over to today. I do have regret about reacting with violence. I should have never allowed someone to have my power and behave in such a way. This whole thing I thought was a monster taunting me but now I am becoming that monster. Revenge, violence, anger. These are all traits of a person that I hate. I guess I really am not the person I used to be. This person that I have become is not one that I would want to be friends with: weak, pathetic and reacting with out logic. But I guess love makes you crazy. And my guilt for acting like that made that crack open more and my will slightly defeated.
Just before I found out about his rendezvous with that woman, I had opened my heart to him. I gave him a fool proof way to still make this work. I had stuck to my bottom line of him having to move out but in light of his remorse and expressing a dedication to get sober, I thought of a plan. One that I could live with. One that would not make him gone from me forever. He cracked my determination with his words. My addiction to him, my love has infected my heart and gave me hope.
It was simple: he moves into a sober living environment, gets in an outpatient program, we get counseling and he offers me full transparency. He seemed open to this. He came back from his meeting seemingly high off the possibilities that this new life of sobriety will offer. A life where we could be together, happy, free from the lies, curing his disease. We would finally have a fair shot. I said I would be there the for him, supporting him, helping him through this every step of the way. He would not have to be alone. I would not have to be alone. We would finally have each other.
Somehow the thought of the other woman was a mere facade. It didn't happen. And when my logic screamed at me that it did, I told myself that it would have never happened had he not had been an alcoholic. That he was sick. He needed me. He didn't want to lose me. How could I walk away from a man I love that is asking for my help? A man that needs my help?
He sat on my bed, expressing his love, his will to get sober, his unwillingness to lose me. The apologies, the tears, this man I love was finally surrendering to our love. I was crying uncontrollably. Why now? How come he could not have just done this months ago? Why not one of the hundreds of times we have talked about how his drinking is ruining our life? Those times I said I was done if things didn't change? Why now? But I guess I was willing to accept anything he gave me. I thought, "better late than never?"
I was hysterical. He wiped the tears off my face and hugged me for what felt like forever. His finger to my chin, he tilted my face up towards his and kissed me. I let him and I allowed myself to get lost in the hope of a future. The passion clouded my judgement, my fix was here and it felt so good. I could not stop. Every emotion was now suddenly healed. All my worries of it being over, vanished. And before I knew it, he was making love to me for the very first time in our entire relationship. This is what I had been begging and waiting for. This is what it was supposed to be like. Just as easily as my clothes slipped off, we slipped back into our old routine. But this time, with love making and complete satisfaction. This was the future we were destined to have. Hope was here and I was not letting go of it.
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