Day Twelve: Regret and Hope? (August 25th)

As soon as he got home to his new house and new life, he called me. He said he KNOWS he made a mistake. He asked if there was ANY way he could come home. Make this right. I said the same thing that makes me feel like I am a broken record but put the needle on it and said it again: Go to a sober living house and get counseling and we can go from there.

This time he said he really wants to. He has a lot to think about. He loves me, doesn't want to lose me. His mistake, he fears, he cannot correct. I reassure him that it is never to late to get what you want in life. We are the leaders in our own lives. We make our choices, our future. No one else. Just ourselves.

So in the morning, he texted me all day, explaining how much he misses our life. How he keeps thinking he is going to get on the bus line to our home. But instead he goes another way home, is not having dinner with me, watching our lame shows on TV together. I can relate because I was thinking about what I was going to make for dinner, trying to recall if I have all the ingredients to make his favorite dish. Only to remember, I am cooking for one and I will be coming home to an empty house. He keeps texting me his feelings and wants to come by after his meeting to talk.

He comes over and speaks nothing of the sober living house. Only nuances, the patterns of his day, minor details and of nothing that holds any weight. My heart breaks again. I allowed myself to have hope again. And again, it was shattered and taken from me. I asked him to leave, ushered him out, and closed the door on him.

I have been rereading these posts and I have seen a pattern. I am always being so definite. So final. Saying I am done. It's my mind battling my heart. The one thing I promised myself when I started this blog was that I be completely honest. And the truth is, I am not done. I do have hope. I still love him. Even after all the things he has done to me, I still wish we could be together. My heart is not done. I can say I will never let him hurt me again. But he hurts me everyday.

Everyday and minute that goes by, I am hurting and holding on to hope. I have hope for his sobriety. I pray for him to take the proper path to his new life. I pray he does not falter. But most of all, I have hope that he will come back to me and surrender to all his wrongdoings and understand why I need this bold move. Why I need this commitment from him. Why his words mean nothing and how this move would validate his words once and for all. Validate them to me, his family and to himself. But he won't. And I just wish I could get it in my head that he never will. But I am still holding out. Dumb, dumb girl I am .