Today is the day I had to face him. The R&R from day two strengthened my resolve and allowed me to solidify the plan of what I know I have to do and what I always knew I had to do deep down. I had my mental checklist of all the reasons why. I did not even bother with the pro and con list because there are some things that are just straight up unforgivable. He managed to find that deal breaker and run with it. So despite my addiction, my mind was speaking louder, telling my heart to shut the fuck up, and remain logical no matter what. I sat, machine-like, determined to repeat my script of the walking orders, discuss only the logistics of his moving out, and speak nothing of his trolling for craigslist casual encounters.
I am done. His words have always been lies and they have never fully been the truth. Not until I push harder, and harder and harder to finally uncover the real truth at the bottom that he was only partially willing to cop and admit to. So when he tells me, which I knew he would, that he never answered the craigslist ads, it doesn't even really matter. That is not the behavior of a man who is in a committed relationship who says he wants to work on his sex life with his girlfriend. That is not the behavior of a man who is supposedly so tired and stressed out that sex is the "last thing" on his mind, because clearly that was another lie of his. And this is not porn. It is a website of intent and given the history of his lies, I might as well just assume he was fucking the BBW's and tittie fetish whores' ads. I mean, he wasn't giving it to me so why else would I come to any other conclusion? My gaining weight should have been a turn on!? But like I said, whether he did nor not, doesn't matter. He knew this would hurt me, he know this would further damage the trust he has already broken and he did it anyway.
He tells me I am right and this his behavior is unacceptable. He surrenders to the weight and enormity of the pain he has caused me and I finally see it register, seeping into his soul. He, for the first time ever, is completely open about the extent of his issues, explaining to me details of his past, reasons behind this behavior and that he has a problem, how sorry he is, and that he really needs to seek professional help. He cries. He doesn't want to lose me, he is willing to do anything, he will die without me, he doesn't want to live a life without me in it.
My drug, my addiction, pulling me in, tempting me, dancing with hope, placing itself vulnerable on a platter begging me to take it. I cannot look the man I love more than anything in the world in his eyes and say no to him when he says he wants and needs help. I dabble a little in the wonder of hope and it has opened a crack on the fortress I was determined to keep up around my heart and preserve my will to do the right thing. But that crack was open and it was beginning to creak.
WOW. Sorry? He wants me? He finally wants help?!!!He is FINALLY serious. He even confessed to his Mother all his problems, even the sex stuff. How can I not compromise my plan and change it to incorporate this unexpected chain of events?
SIDE NOTE: After speaking with him on day one before he went to the party, not even in my wildest dreams did I think he would be sorry or even admit the extent of his addictions. So this was a shock to me. One I was not prepared to guard myself from. So I caved. I made one final attempt, one final offer, one last chance; an option that I could rationalize and feel good about taking one last risk.
But before we could jump into the details, our trust issues had to be dealt with. Full transparency was one of my conditions. He was no longer going to be able to hide his emails, texts and who he was talking to so he had one last chance to tell me on his own. I already knew. I guess I needed to hear it. And even then he was still not completely honest.
It was only texting. He only saw her once, he never touched her. They just talked on the phone, she is married for crying out loud. To me, that was bad enough. But as usual, with him, this is still not even the full truth. With him, its always half: half-assed attempts, half-truths, half-effort, half-commitment and probably half-love. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed till I had to get the fucking bitch on the phone and set her up. "Everytime we kiss I like it. I love kissing you." I grabbed the phone and let the whore know my beef was not with her and that I am not her enemy, I just want to know the truth. He is the one who betrayed me and she has no loyalty to me. But she mistook my kindness for weakness, was rude, defiant, disrespectful and basically was taunting me: She fucked with the wrong bitch.
Have you ever had a time where you wish you could go back and say something to someone you were mad at but were so shocked or hurt the words didn't come out as planned? The tongue not as sharp, your wit not as quick? Well, this was not one of those times. "IF YOU EVER COME NEAR ME OR MINE I WILL SKIN YOUR FAT ASS AND FEED IT TO THE STARVING CHILDREN OF SOMALIA, YOU GOT ME?!!!!" She continued to be rude and speak with defiance. I swear, this old bitch, 14 years older than me (I thought men liked young chicks with youth not old saggy tits, wrinkled, fat, bitches?), clearly did not get the message.
I roughed up my old man. He lied again when he said he was coming clean once and for all. But he was still lying! He got a good one to the face, pushed around a bit and I stalked out the door to a friend's house 2 blocks away. It was there that I googled this bitch, found her on facebook and let every one of her relatives know she is a cheating whore. I also did some research, found where she lived, her email (personal and work), home phone number and sent her ALL the info I found out to let her know I mean business. I let her know that her husband is going to find out that she is a cheating whore. SO...she should tell him herself or find out from me, her choice. Well, not really because I already sent several letters addressed to him in the mail, and numerous messages on her land line. Whoops. Shortly after a very dry email response back from her, I got an automatic response saying she will be out of the office through the week. Probably frantically trying to locate her husband and beg for forgiveness. All this could have been avoided had she not spoke to me with disrespect and disdain.
Unfortunately, I have been the other woman. In fact, that is how I started with this man. Yes, the irony cannot be ignored and I definitely deserve what I had coming. Not so much as because of the pain I caused another woman, but because I was dumb enough to think that I was somehow immune to this behavior of his. If she ever wanted to call me out for what I did, hate me, shame me publicly, I think she has every right. I would never speak to her like she had it coming or be disrespectful. Because I know that I am responsible for my actions and I have to accept the consequences for them whatever they may be. This being one of them. I am suffering the consequences, so will this whore and so will he. He lost me forever.
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