Today began just like all the rest: tears, sadness, constant reevaluation of all my decisions and mistakes. However, unlike my previous days, there was one thing there was no escaping, sugar coating or denying. Today he was moving out for good.
I woke up at 4 a.m. in my Mother's house, unable to sleep. There were no more questions to be answered and no more lies I could tell myself about the inevitable. I came home, dropped my things and made my exit to the gym as fast as possible. The dramatic slamming of the door, stomping down the steps and smoke from my feet as my getaway to the gym was my last saving grace. I could not let him see this discovery that I uncovered. Even though I have been telling myself that I have no hope left, I guess there was a bit more in me, stuck to a fragment of my shattered heart, that he would come to his senses and change his mind.
My workout was fueled by my pain. I pushed forward, fighting for strength, searching for some form of solitude. The tears of my pain and anger of my sweat coalesced to a mass on my face, shirt and down my body. Not caring if the health nuts and mass of muscles heard my moans I hoped to disguise and pass off as panting. On my fifth mile, I gave into the exhaustion of it all. I was trying to run from reality and I was ironically in the same place. Emotionally and literally. It was time to get off the treadmill of this life I have been living on and face the music.
Determined to conceal this smidgen of hope, I attempted to compose myself on the walk home. The closer I got, the weaker I grew. Even a complete stranger stopped me, put her arms around me, taking off one of my earbuds to tell me things will get better with time. I guess her maternal instinct sensed it was heartbreak. She had felt this before and knew sometimes all one needs is a hug and a kind words. She gave me a bit of strength from her heart. I could do this.
Opening the door, I was determined to keep it together. After all, I had bigger fish to fry: I had a telephone interview for a job that was perfect for me. I poured all my focus into this place I didn't even knew I had. I guess the professionalism I had always pretended to emulate everyday I came into work during our relationship. The Mondays after his benders, the Fridays I knew would bring more pain. I had crafted this game face and I was putting on the mask. And wear it I did. The job is pretty much mine after she gets my salary approved and the details are covered with the final in person interview. This was the boost I needed to remember who I was. Who I am.
I am capable. I am the problem solver this company was looking for. Now if I could only apply those business principles into my own personal life, I would be set. I could conquer this obstacle and move onto the next. But trying is in direct conflict of what my heart truly desires so it makes the job almost impossible because it goes against all logic in my heart. But it is time to shut my heart out of the equation.
Not only did I have an interview, but I had to interview others: for the now vacant room in my two bedroom apartment. I had about 7 people come and check out the place. The first girl I met was perfect. She, too, broke up with her boyfriend and needed to move out. They were roommates and she fell for him. But if she stayed, their routine would continue. And boy could I relate to that. I interviewed the rest, knowing she was perfect. Called her and made it official. All in a days work: a new roommate and a strong possibility of a new job.
He had to come back at the end of the day to finish cleaning his room. Little did he or I know, there would be an attempt to clean up the mess of our relationship. I guess you could say he finally realized I meant business.
The death of my Dad when I was seventeen has changed my whole perspective on how I operate. I never like to leave with harsh words. I always like to have a clear conscience, knowing I did all I could and tried my best to make things right. So part with kind words we did. One last hurrah. Momentarily, I foolishly thought it was the perfect end to satisfy the story. But I was wrong. I lost that business approach and allowed my heart's insanity to rule. Another big mistake to add to the list. Why does such a smart girl act so stupid?
Love. Motherfucking love.
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