I have been rereading this so-called blog and there is definitely a running theme: I am constantly trying to tell myself that I am over it, I have no hope left etc etc etc. However, it is always about him. Obviously, I am inextricably linked to him, but rarely does the theraputetic, "so now what?," moment arise. I am no sage, nor am I an expert at this thing despite the numerous assholes I have been with. You would think by now I would have a clue, but no, sadly, I do not.
One thing I am a master at, is trickery. I have tricked myself into this relationship; Believed all his words to justify my every breath, move, twitch and heart-collapsing incident. So why could I not trick myself to believe, nay, see the truth, and put this whole love thing to rest? The reluctant hippie in me had the answer: Affirmations.
My little pep-talk is very simple: You are okay.
I cannot make my heart listen to my mind, let alone reason and logic, love renders these abilities inert. But I can accept the facts: I love him. He loves me. We cannot be together.
This is a new addition and a necessity.
I love him. He loves me. We cannot be together. And that is okay. I am okay. If I can swallow that, for the time being, I can eventually move to, "I don't want to be with him." I know that this love will linger. But I know my desire to share a life with him, once the fog of love clears and my judgement arrives, will have caught up with my mind and be ashamed. How could I ever stoop so low to be so kind and affected by a man who disrespected and betrayed me the way he did?
A friend said I have to be a bit "Machiavellian" about my approach. Not manipulative per say, but tactical with my decisions: How do I want things to be? What role do I want to play?
It clicked: Don't be so impulsive. Sit, affirm, an try to believe. And when I falter in faith, get competitive. I never liked losing so I am competing with myself to stay strong, not break and keep stepping.
I AM OKAY.
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