I caved...AGAIN. That's the thing about balance and affirmations! They don't stick if you don't consciously apply them! Yes, I worked and was precise, all robot like. But coming home, that damn empty room, this fucking heart and the tears were eating me alive.
He calls me everyday. Tells me how much he misses me and loves me. How sorry he is. I naively thought knowing this was helping. I thought that seeing him every so often would help ease the pain. That I could ween myself off him. A little fix here, a little comfort there, his touch I wouldn't long for as much as I did.
But when he fell asleep next to me in my bed, none of this relief was present. It was pure torture.
Every night we spent together, him sleeping next to me, me awake, sexually frustrated, asking myself how much more of this relationship I could bear came back to me. Fighting the urge to look in his phone to uncover who he was talking to behind my back. Just like the last time we spent the night together as a couple when I looked in his phone and discovered his trolling craigslist casual encounters. But this time, I have no right. He is not mine. He was eating his cake and eating it too. And I was letting him.
It was me who is getting the short end of the deal. Me who was on the losing side. Nothing has changed. This was the way it always was. Me on the losing end, him getting to go about his business, live his life and have a woman love him when he was doing nothing to deserve it. I gave him everything. He gave me lies. And that is exactly what was still happening.
I knew in my heart that I could not do this again. No matter how much I love him, I could no longer fool myself into thinking that these bits of time we spend together were helping. It was not. So this closeness was yet another thing that I would have to let go of...for good.
seriously, i feel your pain. maybe not alcoholic, but mentally abusive who suffered from childhood abuse. wants to change, promises change.. doesnt change. i leave, he sleeps with someone else 11 days after i leave.. i come back a month later, to be with him, fine for 5 months and now cannot deal with the fact he slept with someone else. hes working on himself and being a damn good boyfriend but i cannot let go the fact he hurt me so bad in the passed and decided to sleep with someone else in our home after i left. i wish love didn't exist. i also wish it was easier to let go.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It sucks so bad. There is nothing but time that can make this all better. And being honest with yourself about how you feel. It is okay to still have feelings, be sad and so forth. But you have to place yourself on the pedestal that you deserve to be on...that way when the right one comes around, they see you on that pedestal and treat you that way! Hang in there. I am a few days behind schedule but if you keep reading, you will see the enormity of betrayal I have experienced. You deserve the world! Not someone who would treat you like that! Tell your lady friends and any guys you think would like this blog. xo
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