Friday, September 17, 2010

Day Twenty-Seven: Drone (Sept. 8th)

In the morning I was woken up by my cell phone ringing. It was one of our mutual friends. He called to ask me to be kind and think twice before I retaliate against my ex or the woman who he slept with....Uh, excuse me? YOU ARE ASKING ME FOR MERCY?! I don't think so. He rationalized that he wants all parties to emerge from this unscathed and without any more damage. So forget about me and the fact that I am not only scathed, I was side-swiped, steam-rolled and shot in the chest!

This was all in response to an email I sent this old hag. I told her that I knew and to go the other way when she sees me (quick side-note: I have been beating up bullies and bitches for over a decade and this was not an empty threat coming from a chihuahua, I am a certified pit bull and everyone knows this)...and that I hope her papers are straight because otherwise she could soon find herself on the potato farm back in her homeland of Ireland. And that if I were as ugly as her, I, too, would use an icon as my profile photo on Facebook, and thank you for sparing us the trauma of having to look at her ugly, haggard face adorned with brown crooked teeth. Yes, I was angry. Yes it was a bit juvenile. But so is a 52 year old sleeping with a 27 year old's boyfriend. This woman pretended to be my friend. And what the FUCK is this chick doing hanging in the same places as people my age? When I am in my fifties, my scene is going to be the P-T-motherfucking-A, philanthropy or being a lady who lunches. Not rap shows, dive bars and strip clubs. So you know what? Fuck her. And fuck him and fuck this person with the nerve of trying to get me to show these heartless people mercy. Not a chance.

I did, however, realize that I am better than this. I remembered the monster this whole thing was making me turn into. I do not want to be this person. So I went to the gym, worked my butt off, ran 7 miles, did 1000 crunches and went home to the misery that was bound to follow me.

I found myself losing space in time. I came home from the gym, sat on my couch, pondering every detail of our entire relationship from beginning to end, not noticing the shows on TV move to commercials, to another show, to more commercials and so on. Before I knew it, it was dark. I had not moved, ate, drank or even noticed if I was breathing. Once I realized this, I was terrified. It felt like days had passed and I was in the same place, without even having shifted in my seat. If I had, I was unaware that I did. I looked at my cell and had 3 missed calls. Did I mention my cell phone was on loud?

Was this some sort of weird depressive zen state I had reached? No. There was no enlightenment or shred of peace. It was chaos. It was as if I had been screaming in my head, the clamor of pain and torture had made me senseless. I don't remember seeing, hearing, smelling or breathing. It was as if I was not on earth for the last 5 hours. But here I am. And all I can say is that at this moment, is I wish that I wasn't.

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