It's one thing to know something, it is another thing to live it. I was determined to live with my choice. Yesterday I could be very strong and determined with the support of my friend and the high I felt from feeling empowered for the first time in months. But today, the grief and loss was sinking in of knowing that I truly had to let go. And I was putting myself to the test: We had plans to spend time together this evening ever since the morning he left.
This was an especially difficult day as it was a beautiful Saturday. On days like this, he and I would always go downtown, spend the day walking around and grab lunch or something. I just finished working a promotion, I was downtown, and, drumroll, I was completely alone. I had gone from being interactive with other people, smiling, taking pictures, laughing and now I was alone. The stark contrast was jolting and extremely lonely. I could feel the hope draining out of me every step I took towards the aimlessly wandering destination of no where. But I could not go home and spend another day miserable, alone and inside.
He called, texted and tried to understand why I was having second thoughts about us continuing to see each other. Basically, I could not stand the fact that he can continue to carry on, just like he was during our relationship, but now had the actual freedom to, and he could still have me. This is just unfair to me. This is not what I want, would ever want, and never did want. We have too much history and trauma to ever pretend that we can be casual. And this girl, kind reader, is anything but casual. Even with the few men I have intended on having a one-night stand with, I expect complete loyalty and undying devotion! Or else they don't even get close to my bed! But this was entirely different. And who was I kidding?
So I laid down a metaphorical line in the sand just by being very taut with my words and clear about my hesitance. Let me just say this: If I were him, and I had done what he has done to a woman who has still somehow tried to love me in spite of it all, try to forgive me and even just gave me the time of day, I would be at her door daily, begging to be seen as worthy, doing any and everything that it took. I would think, "damn! That is one amazing woman! To love me after all this! I am not letting that go!" But a man who is capable of thinking and acting like that, would never treat a woman the way he treated me. Although, my romantic side always thinks that my man could, should and will. But this man never does. And I remembered, "Oh yeah. It's him."
So I went to bed, distraught, remembering who this man really is and trying to kill the idea of who I have made him out to be. That was never him. It never will be him and I have to accept that. The only thing that this has to do with me is that I picked him and I believed every line he fed me. Love makes you do dumb things. Just like I said on Day One, I ignored all the red flags.
No comments:
Post a Comment