Day Twenty: Balance (Sept. 1st)

So balance is the word of today. I have to learn to balance the pain, the reality, and the absolute truth. My truth, his truth and the ACTUAL truth. I cannot jump into all of it and actually think that I can deal with everything and still manage to come out of this as a sane person. There is no way. There is way too much to process all at once. So today was filled with plans to keep my hands busy to hopefully get rid of the horrific thoughts in my mind and the constant pain in my heart.

Gym, work, dinner and drinks with my friend. I worked my butt off at the gym. Running six miles with ease, sit-ups galore and the pain of my screaming muscles was no match for the actual pain in my heart. Muscle pain is a cake walk so I beat that bitch with my heartache and put it to good use.

I applied myself to this promotion that I have been working for some extra money and was so precise you could swear I was a robot. I showed up, did my job, went through the motions to a tee and even managed to smile while repping the product. I was the prime example of what you would want in someone promoting your product. Underneath it all, I was dying inside. But I applied my professionalism and business ethics to just do what I gotta do and save the crying for later.

I met with my friend for drinks. Its weird that I felt guilty drinking. But why should I be the one who feels guilty? My drinking didn't turn me into a violent monster! My drinking didn't cloud my judgement to the point that I was making out with other people, carrying on entire relationships. My drinking didn't cause me to have HUGE lapses in time where I had shit in my pants and lost my 6th cell phone of the year...and it wasn't even July yet! So I told that guilt to shove it and enjoyed 3 coronas on this abnormally hot San Francisco day.

It was nice. But at the end of the day, coming home to this house, walking passed his empty room, my heart broke all over again. He is gone. I am alone. I was trying to hear my little inner voice tell me that I am okay. But it was drowned out by cries of loss and loneliness. That's the thing about balance: It can't all be fun and distraction. Pain, the other part of the equation, is there no matter what.