Day Twenty-Eight: Steps Forward? (Sept. 9th)

Just like yesterday, I found myself completely losing myself in space and time. I laid in my bed, tears falling down my face, screaming with agony into my pillow. I don't know how long this continued but before I knew it, the sun was going down and night was beginning to fall. I was lost in an abyss of pain. So confused and bewildered at his ability to hurt me so badly. To be capable of such deception and how he could hold me, tell me he wants to work on being a better man to me while continuing to engage in such lascivious behavior. And how I could stand by my man, despite all his shortcomings, loving him for everything he is and isn't, trying so hard to make our relationship work.

All these thoughts dominated my every second. My world consists of only pain. It's as if my entire self doesn't exist. I am a walking sack of skin and everything inside has vanished. The only evidence that I am alive are my constant tears and feeling pain. Without the two, I could seriously convince myself that I am not alive. How was I ever going to get back to where I was? Who am I anymore? Will I ever feel normal?

My family is very concerned about me. My Mother calls me daily, hearing me answer the phone, barely being able to hold a conversation between my sobs. She told me that I should consider going to an Al Anon meeting so I could speak with other people who have been affected by addiction and the inevitable behavior that comes with being in a relationship with someone who is afflicted with the disease. I did not want to worry her, so I decided to give it a shot. Maybe it can help?

Reluctantly, I went to this all women meeting, rationalizing that I could not open up about a man that destroyed me in a room with another man present. In fact, I am terrified when a man speaks to me that I know is showing interest. I automatically think they want to hurt me or are only speaking lies and want to use me for their pleasure. I hope this fear dissipates. I do not like living my life in fear of anything that is so unavoidable and what used to bring me joy.

The meeting was very beneficial. I heard a few women share stories that I could relate to. In fact, they were pretty much telling my story. The reading we focused on that night, step one, was an eye opener. Basically, its the fact that we are powerless to their disease. We cannot control their drinking, their behavior or any of their decisions. And, it does not matter how hard we try. This was very freeing and made me realize I have been giving my life up to try and control everything in our relationship because I knew his drinking was ruining us. It was tearing us apart and all I would ever do is drop everything, be around, try to curb his drinking, be understanding, supportive etc. His drinking dominated my world and every effort and ounce of my energy.

Hearing this saved me from having all the doubts I have been carrying in my heart. It was not my fault. There is nothing that I could have done. And it didn't matter how much I tried: He was going to do what he was going to do no matter what. Even if I were the best woman on the planet, there was no stopping him from being who he is, engaging in destructive behavior and making the decisions he makes. This gave me a little comfort. These days, that is better than nothing. And just for a moment, I felt like I was actually alive. Relief briefly replaced my pain and I felt free. That was until I exited the meeting and saw him going the opposite direction on the bus, passing right by me. Then, all the pain came back. I feel like I am dying.