Saturday, September 25, 2010

Day Twenty-Nine: Initiative (Sept 10th)

My ex's infidelity has caused me to experience constant anxiety. I am haunted by reliving days that I have recently discovered what he was really doing. What I was doing. Our conversations. His lies to continue his clandestine role of deceit and lascivious behavior. One thing I have learned, and am desperately trying to implement, is that I can control my thoughts, behavior and how I react to outside stimuli. I cannot control others, but I can work on controlling myself and take action towards healing. Part of my anxiety is not only due to the worry of what he has done to my emotional health, but to my physical and mental health as well. So I took initiative and made an appointment with my doctor to get tested for ALL STD's. I am also going to look into other some options to deal with my depression and its consequent friend named Anxiety. This worry is something that I CAN eliminate right now. I can control my actions, I can take charge and try to make a change. So I did. 

Last time I went and spoke to someone about my depression and anxiety, they treated me like I was an alien and overreacting. Not exactly the best way to treat a girl who's father just died and is having a hard time coping. But this time, I was treated with compassion and felt like I was actually being heard. WHAT A CONCEPT! Listen and treat the patient. I had all the text book signs of depression and anxiety. I was prescribed the appropriate meds, one for depression, one to address my sleep issues, and one for my panic attacks. 

It was a small step towards battling these demons, but I am taking it and doing what I can. This alone, settled me a bit. I found out in 15 agonizing minutes that I do not have HIV which was comforting. I will find out about the rest in due time. I have no reason to think I have anything, no symptoms...that is other than the fact my ex was having sex with desperate sluts and I doubt he used condoms. 

After this my girlfriend picked me up and we went to a fashion night out on the town at Neiman Marcus. We had a ball looking at all the beautiful people and the silly examples of San Franciscans attempting to be socialites or at least emulate the image. The absurdity of people in this uber liberal city, clinging to hopes of resembling the upper-east siders or hollywood types, who have the velvet rope forever open, while going green and protesting against "the man," is ironic and increasingly entertaining with every stiletto that clicks by.

With this irony, we left all the fabulosity, went back to her house, equipped with burritos and just spent the evening dishing about all topics, laughing at it all. I felt a glimmer of happiness seeping back into my soul...and I haven't even started my meds. 

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